I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
