Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
