Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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