I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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