Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have fence marks all over my body
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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