Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
