I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
