You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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