Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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