i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
