can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
