he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
