So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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