theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You ruined the universe
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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