You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
