Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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