Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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