I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
