He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
