We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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