I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
