They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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