Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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