I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
