i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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