White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
