my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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