He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
