I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
