I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
