Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
