Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
