My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
