i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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