Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
