Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I have post one night stand depression
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