I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
