I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
