fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
