can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
