Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
