I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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