you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pants are for mortals
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