Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
