we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
