I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
