Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My cat gives me a boner
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
