I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
