You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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