fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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